SUBCATEGORIES
NEWS
PICTURE OF THE MOMENT
TEXT OF THE MOMENT
|
 Most ingyenesen regisztrálhat, és így új jövedelemforrásra tehet szert!
|
FunnyPictures.si |
HumorLinks |
Dave's Daily
Music videos
Post video links from any video sharing sites (for example YouTube, Google Video etc.)!
Every video link is manually checked before allowed on the site.
Submit a joke!
By clicking on the Submit button, you accept our policy.
We pre-check every uploaded texts and jokes before allowing it on the site.
Currently browsed by others
ALL TEXTS (23 PCS)
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk."
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords.Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leapt to mind...my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that, there must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter for two cans of dog food. "Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk. "Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer. "I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food." Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it on its leash all the way back to the store. "Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer. "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food." Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the same clerk and says: "Two cans of cat food please." "Do you have a cat sir?" "Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.
"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat food." The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it back to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see. "Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food." The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approaches the clerk and places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover. "Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?" "Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer. "I beg your pardon?" said the clerk. "Do as I say!" ordered the guy.
Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole. "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy "It looks like SHIT!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the customer replied "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and that I'll do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend; but a talking frog, now that's cool."
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the flightdeck crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appeared in the rear of the plane, and began walking towards the flightdeck through the center aisle. Both appeared to be blind. The pilot was using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbled down the aisle, and the co-pilot was using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other and with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin to panic. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less that 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the vary last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the flightdeck, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Three blondes die and are greeted by the gatekeeper at the gates of heaven. They are told that blondes are screened before entering. The process is simple, they can enter, but ONLY if they answer one simple question correctly. The gatekeeper approaches the first blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, you get to see your family and friends, eat turkey, and are thankful..." "WRONG," replies the gatekeeper. He then goes to the second blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the really big holiday in December. We put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the.....the birth of........of Jesus." Shaking his head, the gatekeeper responds......."WRONG" Then turns his attention to the third and last blonde............."WHAT IS EASTER?" The third blonde smiles and looks the gatekeeper directly in the eyes. "I know what Easter is! Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. The Passover meal is what Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper.
Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out. If he sees his shadow there will be six more weeks of winter."
Morris asks his son, aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy stake on Friday night, they began to squirm. They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said: You were born Protestant. You were raised Protestant. But now you are Catholic.
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinlking ketchup on the beef saying: You were born a cow. You were raised a cow. But now you are fish.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him for ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the underling: Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me? The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The underling signs back: I don't know what you are talking about. The attorney tells the Godfather: He says he doesn't know what you're talking about. That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says: Ask him again! The attorney signs to the underling: He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!
The underling signs back: OK! OK! The money is in a brown suitcase! You know my cousin Enzo in The Bronx! It's buried in his back yard in the floor of his shed! Please don't kill me! The Godfather asks the attorney: Well, what'd he say?? The attorney replies: He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.....
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in the pints, and were stuck in the thick heads. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!
A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the hell is a pinata?
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the catalytic converter!" "No, there's ~definitely~ water in the carburetor!" she insisted. "OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?" "In the lake."
Three buddies were talking about death and dying. When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time and a great family man." The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy says, "I would like to hear them say ....LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"
A man was invited to dinner by his elderly neighbors. The old gentleman endearingly preceded every request to his wife with "Honey, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.". The man was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to the old gentleman, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still refer to your wife in those endearing terms." The elderly husband just hung his head and said, "Actually, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.
The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.
"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that havent eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. Im curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Answers:
1. The third. Lions that havent eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "Hed still be alive if the ice cream truck hadnt come along.
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...
who lives with a female roommate Maria...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldnt help but notice how pretty Anthonys roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, Ive been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You dont suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but Ill e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote;
Dear Momma,
Im not saying that you did take the sugar bowl from my
house, and Im not saying that you did not take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from
his Momma which read.......
Dear Son,
Im not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Momma.
Lesson: Never lie to your momma
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
"Very good Who said Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." he heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "Im gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this" Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, Ill kill you." Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, were fucked."
Suzuki said, "The Taliban 2001"
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesnt even believe theres a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, well show him how wrong he is."
Why Men Are Happier Than Women
1. We keep our last name.
2. The garage is all ours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. We can be president.
6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.
8. The world is our urinal.
9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.
10. Same work, more pay.
11. Wrinkles add character.
12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
13. People never stare at our chest when were talking to them.
14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
15. New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
18. We know stuff about tanks.
19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
20. We can open all our own jars.
21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.
23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
24. Everything on our face stays its original color.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. We dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
27. We almost never have strap problems in public
28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.
29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. We dont have to shave below our neck.
31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. We can do our nails with a pocket-knife.
34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
|
|
RANDOM
|
